On feeling better (however briefly)

Despite having a pretty bad week culminating in an upsetting "discussion" (not an argument...) with my boyfriend, today I am feeling rather chipper. I'm putting this down to focusing on the little things that make me happy, rather than the little things that bring me down.

OK, so this morning wasn't great. A couple of my housemates really managed to bring me down just by the way they treat me... an outside observer would probably see it as three friends joking and having fun, but from where I'm standing, their snippy little comments and attitude towards me really doesn't help with my whole positive mind state.

If someone constantly treated you like you weren't worth listening to, if they constantly made you feel stupid and useless and annoying, after a year and a half of living with them, it would get to you. And it has.

I've thought that it could be me just being sensitive... but even if that is so, surely as 'friends' they shouldn't treat me like that? Surely they should understand? Well... I haven't spoken to them about it, because I'm not entirely sure that they'd listen if I did, or whether they'd even care.

Actually, I did speak to one of them about how down I was feeling a few weeks ago, but she dismissed it as stress over uni work. Thanks, friend.

So my worries aren't completely unjustified. I just don't know what to do, its making me want to hide in my room all the time, which actually doesn't help 'cause it's cold and damp which also depresses me.

And, despite all that, I managed to end this afternoon feeling slightly more positive, after going charity shop shopping (?) and buying a secret surprise gift for my boyfriend (I can't say what it is 'cause he'll read this and find out), I got home feeling excited and optimistic.

I'm hoping to hold onto this feeling, and to do this I am going to put post-it notes around my room with things on that make me feel better, reasons to be happy and hopeful, because life isn't really that bad. It just seems like it is, relative to how great I could feel.

I WILL feel that good again. I will be happy, I will enjoy each and every day, and the day that starts to happen is just around the corner.

This is a silent cry for help (out loud)

I wrote this last night. It helped, kind of.

I can't sleep. Not that it's that late right now, but I've been shattered all day, so I thought I'd go to bed early... But I've been lying in bed awake for about an hour now, so I decided to write down what it is keeping me up.

I'm sad. All the time, pretty much. And right now I can't even cry because its so overwhelming that I feel like I'm close to breaking point... Like the calm before the storm. I feel almost numb, except for the sadness. Like a sad numb. I don't know, it just is.

Half the time I think that it's my own fault that I feel like this, that I'm making myself sad on purpose because I deserve to be, or to get attention (it doesn't work) or because in some perverse way it makes me feel better about myself, because if I'm sad that means there's something worth being sad about in my life, like something matters... Right?

Wrong. There are plenty of things that matter, but they are all things that do make me happy... So I should be happy. Except I'm finding some way to feel sad about them, somehow. And that's wrong.
The rest of the time I feel like I can't help being like this and that it just happens and this is the way I am. Except that's wrong too, because I shouldn't be like this, it's not right.

So, everything I'm feeling is wrong, and where does that leave me?

It leaves me feeling worse because I can't get myself out of this cycle. You could just dismiss this as "she just misses her boyfriend (one of the good, happy things I mentioned), that's all it is, she'll get used to it" or that I'm stressing over work, or its some other factor, something real that can be identified. The majority of the time, it's not. It happens in the mind. There probably is some medical explanation - imbalance of chemicals or something - but I don't know what exactly.

I think its that I'm lonely. Hideously, achingly lonely. I purposefully isolate myself from friends, because I feel even worse around them, like being alone in a crowd of people. It's not their fault, I just don't seem to be able to get involved in conversations or jokes or whatever. I just can't connect.

Admitting that one is lonely or depressed and needs help seems some form of taboo. Like, if you can't sort out your own problems on your own, if you find it difficult to say what you need or how you feel, then you aren't as capable as the rest of humanity. But that's silly, because I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point to some degree or another.

I'm not saying that my problems are bigger than anyone else's, or indeed that it's important to anyone else at all... but please try to understand that just because it's in my head, doesn't mean it isn't real. I'm not making it up, and it's not something that you can just stop doing. It's hard to explain, and if you don't understand and can't empathise, then you won't have been through it.

 I'm sorry if you think I'm being stupid, or I'm trying to seek attention. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I've reached the point where if I don't tell someone it's going to consume me.

So, if you're reading this, please help. Anyone you know who you think may feel lonely, or sad. Just listen to them, break through the wall they've built up and be there.
I haven't decided if I'm actually going to post this or not, it's quite personal and I can think of a few people who could really hurt me if they had this information. I'll have to hope they won't though. I haven't even come close to describing how it really is, and I could say so much more about various stuff... But I can't think right now.

Goodnight.